How To Keep Intimacy Alive In Your Marriage

Want to keep intimacy alive in your marriage? In this new episode on the Dr. Wyatt Marriage Podcast I discuss lessons we can all learn from vacation that can be applied to our relationship to keep the spark alive. Tune in and be sure to listen to this one with your partner. 

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Transcript

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You want to know how to keep intimacy in your marriage? If so, keep listening because I'm going to talk about how to do it today. Welcome to the Dr. Wyatt Marriage Podcast. We're developing a long-lasting, happy relationship is the status symbol to achieve. And following my tools is one path to help get you there. I'm your host, couples therapist, Dr. Wyatt. If you are looking for a conference, if you're looking for a retreat, if you're looking for an experience to really revitalize your relationship, attend my Total Marriage Refresh Conference coming up July 19th in Denver, Colorado. It's an entire day to learn tools, skills. I'm there with you the entire day teaching, interacting with you to help move your relationship from surviving to thriving. To learn more, click the link in the show notes. Be sure to stick around to the end of the podcast today, and I'll give a personal update on what's going on in my life personally. So let's begin. How to keep intimacy in your marriage. That's a quest a lot of us have because we get married because of the passionate intimacy in the beginning, both emotional and physical. But then through the years, you turn into roommates. Through the years, you turn into business associates. Through the years, you turn into brother and sister. And no one gets married to eventually feel like brother and sister. And when you reach that stage, you feel hopeless. And so today I'm going to talk about how do we prevent this from happening? Or if you're there, how can you get out of that phase? How can you move from siblings back to lovers? The short answer is become a vacation couple. Think about when you're on vacation. Maybe you haven't been on one in a very long time. So you're not quite sure what this even means. But if you have had a vacation recently with just your partner and it was a positive experience, think about how did you show up differently during that vacation? What were you thinking like? How are you behaving differently? What were you more receptive to on that vacation? So I'm going to go through four ways becoming a vacation couple can help bring back intimacy in your relationship. Number one is thoughtful gestures. Think about being at a resort with your partner. Your mind is filled with thoughtful gestures you can do for them. You wake up earlier in them, and so you think, I'm going to sneak down to the restaurant and get their favorite coffee and bring it up to them. It's a no-brainer. You're automatically thinking of these little gestures you can do throughout the day. You're at the pool and your partner looks like they're getting burned. So you say, Hey, can I give you some suntan lotion? You look like you're getting burned. That's a thoughtful gesture. You know at dinner that you can reserve a special table. And so you call ahead and you say, Hey, can we have that special table to see the sunset tonight? And they say, sure. That's a thoughtful gesture. Our senses are heightened on vacation. We're thinking about how to be a good partner. We're focused on our spouse. And at home, in the day-to-day grind, we forget about that. We're not focusing on thoughtful gestures. We're not thinking about how can we make our partner feel special tonight? What can we do for them tomorrow morning? I'm at the store. What would they love to eat or drink? We don't think about it because at home we get so consumed with our agendas, our chores, the grind of life that we take our eye off of making our partner feel special. And a lot of people, they want to feel special. They want to feel like you care. They want to feel like you have your eye out for them. And when you're on vacation, we do this naturally. Number two is quality time. When you're on vacation, just you and your partner think about how much quality time you're having. You're waking up together, you're going to breakfast together, then you're doing outings together, then maybe you're relaxing by the pool, you're both reading in your books for a couple hours, maybe you watch a movie. You're spending so much quality time together. And by doing that, you feel close, you feel connected, you feel like partners. But when you're at home and in the grind, there's very little quality time together. I have to go this way and pick up this child, you have to go over there and you have to make dinner. I have to stay late at work for this project. You have to get up early because you're going to that gym class. When you're in the day-to-day grind, it's very easy to continually cross paths and you're like two ships passing in the night. You don't have that quality time together. But when you're on vacation, that's all you have. You're continually thinking about what should we do together today? What activities would we like to do? How much should we rest? How much should we play? How should we connect today? Your entire focus on a vacation often is what should we do together today? And that's an essential ingredient. For you to have a close relationship, you need to daily, regularly spend time with your partner. When you're on vacation, it's natural because that's what you're there to do. But when we get home, it's very hard to make it happen and we don't try very hard. We just surrender and we say, Well, this is our life. This is how it is to raise kids. This is how it is because I'm in graduate school. This is how it is because my parent is sick. And yes, there's gonna be seasons where you can't tend to your marriage because we all go through hard times. However, when that season becomes the pattern, your marriage is gonna get in trouble because without regular quality time, your marriage can't breathe. I recommend a minimum of six hours of quality time with your partner per week. And on vacation, you're having at least six hours a day, if not ten hours a day or more with your partner relaxing and just enjoying each other's company. If you want to have a good marriage, you need to replicate some of that in your day-to-day life. How can you increase your quality time and your pleasure together as a couple? Number three is fun. Think about when you're on a vacation with your partner, how much fun you have. You do new things. Maybe you go parasailing, maybe you go snorkeling, maybe you build some sand castles. Who knows? It depends on where you're vacationing. Maybe you take a tour of a historic home, you look at a castle together. Experiencing new things together brings life to your relationship. It gets you out of the rut. It gets you out of the old routine. Because when you have the same partner for a long period of time, it can feel kind of boring. It can feel like you're just going through the motions because you are going through the motions. Nothing is new, nothing is vibrant. But on vacation, you're doing lots of new things together. It brings you out of your shell, it makes you come alive because a lot of us are half asleep. We're half asleep just because life is tough. We're going through hard times, there's pressures, there's stressors, and so we're just going through the motions trying to survive. But marriages don't thrive when you're trying to survive. Marriages thrive when you carve out time together to have fun. So what brings fun for you and your partner? Maybe it's trying a new game. Maybe it's going to a new restaurant. Maybe it's signing up for a new class together. What can you do at home, just like you do on vacation, to integrate new fun activities? What is that for you? You may not have any, and that might be your problem. You might need to start some. Maybe start learning pickleball together. Maybe learn how to rollerblade together. Maybe start running together. But think about on vacation, it comes natural because you're there to play. You're there to have fun. You're thinking, hey, should we go parasailing? Hey, should we sign up for this outing? Should we do this? And most couples sign up for some kind of adventure when they're on their vacations together. And that helps you feel in love. Because a couple who has fun together tends to feel more in love. It wakes you up. So be thinking, how can you integrate more fun into your day-to-day life, your weekly life with your partner at home? And don't give me the excuse, we can't. We don't have time. Be creative. It can take five minutes. Something small, something manageable. One vacation my wife and I went on is we went snorkeling. And I remember we got on this little boat and we went way out in the ocean for about an hour to this ideal location, according to the local, of where to go snorkeling. And I remember getting in and the water was about 10 to 15 feet deep, but it was so clear you could see the bottom of the ocean. And I got a little worried because I'm paranoid about sharks. My wife doesn't think about sharks because she's from Hawaii. And she tells me, if a shark comes, just poke it in the eye. And I would tell her, well, by then my arm's going to be down its throat. And so there we were, snorkeling. I was trying to breathe through it, make the most of it, even though I was worried and anxious. And I remember we found a conch shell down on the floor. And the local guide, he dove down for that conch shell for us, brought it up. There was something living inside of it. He pulled it out and dangled it and he said, Viagra! And he ate that thing, whatever it was, he ate it live. And I just remember it was an amazing experience with my wife and I. We kept the conch shell. It's on our dresser. And that was an adventure. That was something we did that was fun. It was edgy. It was out of the ordinary. And it's a light bulb memory. I still remember it vividly today. Those are the kind of things that we don't experience very often with our partner. Instead, we experience, oh, it's Monday night. We're eating casserole like usual. Oh, it's Tuesday night. This is where I take Johnny to karate and you take Sally to dance lessons. Our lives become so routine. Now, for me, I'm someone who likes routine. I'm very routine-oriented. My wife is the one who likes more variety and spicing things up. And I also enjoy that, but I have to be careful because I'm very routine-oriented. And so I have to remember that I'm married to someone who likes more variety and more change than I crave. And so it's something I've had to work on is what can I do this week that'd be fun for my wife? What can I do this week that would be out of the ordinary? And maybe you're the same. Maybe you're a routine-oriented person. Maybe you like to do the same thing over and over and you find comfort in that. The positive of that is you're very predictable. That makes you safe. The downside to that is it can make you boring. And so think about what you can do that's out of the ordinary this week with your wife, with your husband. My wife and I try to have a once-a-week date and we try to take turns on who plans the date. And this last week, she planned it and she was very creative about it. She knows that I like live music, so she researched live music in the town where we live, and she found this Janice Joplin impersonator. And my wife and I both enjoy some of Janice Joplin's old music. So we go to this local pub I've never been to, and this band played, and this woman sounded just like Janice Joplin. It was really fun, it was different. And then when we came home, we had a bike ride, and that was something I've been wanting to do recently. So things like that. You need a date once a week because that can be a designated time to have more fun together. Number four, think about how sexual you are on your vacations. It's a completely different experience. Most couples, when they go into vacation, they have a heightened sexual focus because they know, ah, this is going to be the time to reconnect sexually. A lot of women might bring lingerie to wear, a lot of men may bring some sexual games to play. Being sexual on vacation is often an expectation. It's on both partners' minds. Therefore, both partners are thinking about it, they're more open to it, and therefore there's a lot more sexual connection. Now, this makes sense because you have more time on your hands, and because of the previous three things I just mentioned. There's a lot more thoughtful gestures happening, a lot more quality time is happening, a lot more fun is happening. So sex feels like a natural next step of our connection. The problem happens when we get home, we stop all those other behaviors. We stop the thoughtful gestures, we stop the quality time, we stop the fun. Yet we still expect the sex. And that doesn't occur, especially if you're low drive. If you're the low drive partner, you need those other activities. You crave those other activities because only then do you feel connected. And when you feel connected, your body opens up for sexual connection. But without those other things happening throughout the week, day to day, your body shuts down sexually. But if you're high drive, you don't necessarily need those other activities because your drive is more biological and it's pulsing through your body. So you lose sight of all these other activities, but you still expect the sex and then you don't get it. So think about the sexual mindset. This is a lesson for both partners. If you're low drive, think about how you are on vacation. You're thinking about sex, you're prioritizing sex, you're trying to be sexy, you're wearing sexy clothing. Bring some of that into your marriage at home. Don't get home and then ignore sex because sexual contact in your relationship is essential for the bonding emotionally, physically, and spiritually. If you're high drive, when you get home, continue the thoughtful gestures, initiate the quality time, prioritize having fun together. You need to create the setting so that your partner is open to intimacy and that they feel like it's a natural next step to your connection together. So don't just have all this fun, all this quality time during vacation, and then get home and turn it off and still expect the sex. That's unrealistic. You need to keep the spirit of the vacation alive even when you're home. Now, obviously, you can't replicate vacation when you're home. However, it's important lessons to learn. How are you different during vacation? And how can you replicate some of that at home? And those are four ideas on how to do it: thoughtful gestures, quality time, having fun, and being more sexual. If you have active resentments in your relationship, you have walls between you and your partner, sign up for my ER Marriage Intensive. It's my most comprehensive resource to help couples resolve their resentments and rekindle their love. To learn more, click the link in the show notes or go to my website, drwyattfisher.com, and click on ER Marriage Intensive. Also, if you enjoyed this episode, be sure to leave a review and leave your comments, and I'd be happy to respond back. Finally, a personal update. My wife and I recently moved, and that's why I've been so tardy on my podcast. I apologize. I haven't posted one in a very long time, and I really miss it because I enjoy sharing with you. I hope some of you find this helpful. And so that is why I've been so tardy is because of the move. We're very close to getting settled in, about 80%. So thanks for tuning in. I hope those tips I shared can help you bring back intimacy into your relationship. And I'll see you in the next one.