How to Fix Low Libido Without Pressure or Shame

Have low libido? Think something is wrong? You're not alone. A lot of people have low libido and wonder what the problem is. In this new episode on the Dr. Wyatt Marriage Podcast I cover the variety of libidos, how they show up in marriage, and what to be mindful of. 

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Transcript

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I don't know who needs to hear this, but today we're talking about libido differences and how they show up in marriage. Welcome to the Dr. Wyatt Marriage Podcast. We're developing a long-lasting happy relationship, it's the status symbol to achieve. I'm your host, Dr. Wyatt, licensed psychologist specializing in couples therapy. Last weekend I did my Total Marriage Refresh conference in Denver, Colorado, and there was a great group of couples there. I always enjoy getting to know each of the couples during all the breakout sessions. So thank you to all who attended. If you have resentments and you need help because you feel like you're at an impasse, sign up for my ER Marriage Intensive. Go to my website, drwyattfisher.com, and click on ER Marriage Intensive. My marriage advice for today is about understanding libido differences. And we're gonna cover different quadrants of libidos, and then we're gonna talk about the different types of combinations of those libidos in marriage and how that applies to you. The first quadrant are females with low drive. Now, this is common. Roughly around 70% of women, give or take, say they have low libidos. That might be different when they're first dating, but after together for a while with their partner, their libido tends to wane. Sex isn't very important to them, it's on the back burner, they don't think about sex very often. I've heard females who are low drive say, I could go the rest of my life without sex. And maybe that's you. You don't see what the big deal is, it's not very important to you because you have a low drive. Now remember, low drive women do have a sex drive, but it's more like a candle flame. It's not very strong, and therefore it doesn't take much to blow it out. So if you're feeling stressed, it blows it out. You're feeling a cold coming on, it blows it out. You're feeling distant with your partner, it blows it out. Because your libido is not very strong to begin with, it doesn't take much to blow it out. By and large, libido is based on your testosterone level and your early conditioning around sex. So the more positive your messaging was around sex growing up, the more positive your experiences were, the more that's gonna strengthen your libido and vice versa. So if you had negative messaging around sex growing up, or if you had negative experiences with sex growing up, that's gonna weaken your libido. But by and large, a lot of women out there have low libido. For these women to be open to sexual intimacy, they often need four things. One, they need low stress and fatigue. If they're stressed or fatigued, it's gonna wipe out their libido because it's not very strong to begin with. Second, they need quality time with conversation. They're not gonna want to be intimate with you until they first feel connected and close with you. Third, they need affection without strings attached. That means you get in the habit of touching them, giving them affection in the way that they like it without any hints for more. Because if there's hints for more, they're gonna resent the touch. Yet they need the touch so their responsive desire can start to grow. For some women who are low drive, that might be all they need. They need low stress, they need quality time with conversation, they need affection without strings attached. But sometimes that's still not enough. You might feel really close with your partner, but it still is not creating a spark for the bedroom. And if that's the case, you may need some erotic stimuli. That can come from watching an erotic program, reading some erotica novels, listening to some erotic stories, something to help you think sexy. Because if you're low drive, it's hard to get your brain in gears, hard to think that way. So if getting close with your partner isn't enough, you might need an extra splash of eroticism to get your brain thinking that way. So if you're a female with low drive, remember sexual intimacy is not just for your partner's needs, it's for the marital needs because a marriage that has regular sexual intimacy is going to be more bonded emotionally, physically, and spiritually. The second quadrant are females with high drive. We often don't think of women having high drive, but from my experience, around 25 to 30% of women do have high drive. And this can be especially difficult for them if they're married to a low drive male, because the classic association in our culture is that all men want to have sex, but if they're married to a man who has low drive, it can feel personal. It can feel like they're not attractive enough, it can feel like they must not be sexy enough, or their husband would want to be intimate with them. And that may have nothing to do with it. They may just have a low drive husband. Now, for women who are high drive, they often need to feel relationally close before they're open to intimacy. So their high drive doesn't override the need to feel emotionally connected, the need for that affection. But once those things are in place, they're ready to go at drop of a the third quadrant are males who have low drive. If you're a male and you have low drive, the first thing to check is your testosterone. You may have low testosterone levels, and that's what's creating your low drive. It also could be your health habits. The more junk food you eat, the more stressed you are, the less you sleep, the more out of shape you are. All of those things tank libido. So you may have some lifestyle factors that are contributing to your low drive. Now, what I've seen a lot is a man who has low drive, he avoids the bedroom. And he thinks, well, I don't want to be intimate, so I'm not going to. And what makes it more complicated is even if he's feeling relationally close, that's not necessarily a motivator for him to then be intimate with his wife. And this can create a lot of problems in relationships. Men, if you're low drive and you're married to a high drive woman, you have to prioritize sexual intimacy, whether it's something you naturally desire or not, because it's for the bond of the relationship. So don't tell your high drive wife, ah, sorry, I just don't have much interest. Sorry, can't help it. You can help it. You can prioritize intimacy even if it's not your natural impulse. And remember, once you've begun foreplay and sexual activity, then your body will catch up and you'll start to get into it. But avoid telling your partner that you're just not going to be open to it because you don't have the natural urge. Of course, you don't have the natural urge because you're low libido. The fourth quadrant are males who have high drive. Now, this is the majority of males, usually around 70% or more of males have high drive. It is tied to testosterone levels. Men tend to have higher testosterone than women on average. Men in this quadrant, often all that they need before they're ready for sex is visual stimuli. So if they see their wife getting out of the shower, they see their wife bend over, they see their wife change, anything like that gets them ready within moments. This is spontaneous desire. They can be ready for intimacy spontaneously. They may have a sexy dream, they may see a sexy commercial on TV, they may scroll through Instagram and see something sexy on social media. It doesn't take much before they feel arousal, and they can't help that. Because they have high drive, their body is built to be spontaneous. Now, the risk if you're high drive is sometimes you can neglect the relationship. You stopped courting your wife, but you still expect the sex. But think back to in the beginning. In the beginning, you did a lot of courting. You spent a lot of quality time with her. You gave her a lot of affection, a lot of emotional intimacy. You invested in the connection. And lo and behold, she was open to the physical. But now you've been married for a while and you've gotten kind of lazy and you're not courting her anymore, but you still expect the sex. That's wrong. Her body is not going to open up to you until you court her first. And I call that the accountability loop for men. If you are courting your wife, most likely she's going to be open to sex. If you stop the courting, she's not going to be open to the sex. And that's your accountability that holds you accountable to make sure you're prioritizing the relationship, to make sure you're giving her the affection, to make sure you're prioritizing the quality time. So if you're high drive, remember one of the most powerful things you can do is initiate sensual activities and touch without any strings attached. Hey honey, let's cuddle tonight. No strings attached. Hey, honey, let me give you a central massage tonight. No strings attached. Your low drive wife needs that central activity for her responsive desire to grow. But the moment she feels like there's strings attached, she's going to avoid the very activities that her body needs for responsive desire to grow. So if you're a high drive male, listening to this, ask your wife, say, how well am I courting you? What could I do to make you more open to sex in our relationship? She may have resentments. She may have too much stress and fatigue. She may not feel very close with you or connected. Ask her what it would take and then get to work. Because once you start doing your part, she's much more likely to be receptive to the bedroom. And number five, I'm going to talk about what do you do if both you and your partner are low drive partners? You have two low drive partners. If you and your partner are both low drive, you probably rarely have intimacy, if at all. Now, your relationship may not need as much sex to stay close as other relationships, but it still needs the sex occasionally because of what I've already said. When you are sexually intimate with your partner, it bonds you emotionally, physically, spiritually. Therefore, if you're never having sex because you're both low drive, that's going to eventually shift you into roommate status. You're going to feel like brother and sister. And that's not what you got married for. You got married to be romantic partners on all levels. And so maybe the frequency isn't as high, but you still need to prioritize sexual intimacy on a regular basis. And since you're both low drive, you might need to schedule it. Maybe it's every two weeks, maybe it's every four weeks, but put it on the calendar, prioritize it to make sure it happens. Number six are the couples where you have two high drive partners. These are the couples who can just lean into sex, physical touch, physical intimacy at all times, because it's a superpower for both. They both enjoy it, they're both high libido, they both crave it, they both love it. These are the couples who have great sex even if they're not getting along. And it can be the glue that keeps them together. So while the advantage is you may have an amazing sex life, the risk is you may not be working through your issues. You might not be slowing down to work through your resentments. You might not be slowing down to learn how to communicate better. You might not be slowing down enough to have quality time and emotional intimacy. So be careful that you don't use sex to cover up the problems in your relationship. If you're both high drive, you may have a tendency to do that. So ask yourself, are we using sex to cover up our problems? Are we using sex and not addressing our resentments, addressing our problems and our issues in our relationship? And if that's the case, address those issues. Dive into them. Get some skills, get some support. While you can continue to have great sex, but just make sure it's not camouflage or keeping you from working at the deeper problems in your dynamic. Finally, number seven is the most common relationship, which is one high-drive partner with one low drive partner. This is my marriage. I'm the high drive partner, my wife is the low drive partner. So it can create a lot of dynamics. The high drive partner can want intimacy way more often. The low drive partner can wall off because they're not connected enough. And both spouses have a role to play, which I've already alluded to. The high drive partner, you need to build the fire. You wouldn't look at wood and just expect it to light. So your job is to build the fire, to optimize the chances of flames. This is where the cording comes in. You're gonna put the kindling in, you're gonna stack those logs, you're gonna put some paper into the fire, you're gonna start blowing on it to slowly encourage those flames. That's you prioritizing dates. That's you nurturing emotional intimacy. That's you giving affection without strings attached. That's you initiating sensual time without any hints for more. The more you do that, you are building the fire. You're creating the environment for your wife's responsive desire to grow. Now, if you're low drive, you also have a role to play. Your job is to become drier wood because what happens for high drive partners is if they're building a fire and it never lights, they're gonna burn out. They're gonna give up. They're gonna feel like no matter what I do, you are not open to sex, so why try? And it's very easy to feel that. I have felt that at times in my own relationship. And my wife and I have had to learn what's my role to play and what's her role to play. So if you're a low drive female, your role is to become drier wood. That means you need to buy into the value of intimacy. That means you need to prioritize it for the connection of your marriage, not just for your husband. That means you need to research the value of sex on your own. That means you need to do some things to get your mind in gear sexually. That can include thinking sexy thoughts throughout the day, thinking about what you would love to do with your partner at night. That can include erotic stimuli, like I mentioned, reading an erotic novel, watching some erotic programs to get your head in gear. Because often in marriage, it can feel like the high dry partner has to do all the work. And actually, both partners have work to do. The high-dry partner is building the fire, while the low dry partner is becoming drier wood, so it's easier to light. And when both partners are doing their part, you're gonna have flames, and that creates a positive cycle. The more their sex, the more the high dry partner naturally builds the fire, the more they naturally build the fire, the more the low dry partner is becoming dry wood, which leads to more sex. So you get a spirit of generosity, and that is the goal. So those are seven pieces to understanding libido differences. Number one, I talked about females with low drive. Number two, I talked about females with high drive. Number three, I talked about males with low drive. Number four, I talked about males with a high drive. And I talked about two low drive partners and what they should do. Number six, I talked about two high drive partners and what they should watch out for. And finally, number seven, the most common scenario, I talked about one high drive partner being married to a low drive partner. I hope you found this helpful. Be sure to leave a comment with your questions, and you can also email me your questions, info at drwyetfisher.com, and that's where you can also submit your questions for me for future episodes. By the way, each of these episodes, I create a free PDF for you to download to talk about and apply with your partner. To get that free PDF, go to my website, drwyetfisher.com, click on marriage podcasts, and you'll see the link. If you have resentments, that is going to kill your sex life right out of the gate. No one wants to have sex with someone they resent. However, working through resentments on your own is very difficult. If that is you, go through my ER Marriage Intensive as my most comprehensive resource to help couples resolve their resentments and rekindle their love. To learn more, go to my website, drwyattfisher.com, and click on ER Marriage Intensive. And finally, if you enjoyed this episode, be sure to leave a review. Thanks for tuning in, and I'll see you in the next one.