How To Fix A Broken Marriage By Avoiding This Mistake

Feel like your marriage is broken? You're not alone. Many couples are struggling and unsure if they're going to make it. In this new episode on the Dr. Wyatt Marriage Podcast I discuss a top mistake many couples make that makes everything worse. Want to know what it is? Listen now!

🥳Get my FREE Guide on 4 Steps To Transform Your Marriage here. 

🟢For my most COMPREHENSIVE resource to resolve your resentments and rekindle your love, join my next ER Marriage Intensive here 9/28. 

👉Access the free worksheet of this episode for more application here. 

To read the article version of this episode on how to fix a broken marriage click here.

Transcript

Copy Transcript Copied

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Want to know how to fix your broken marriage? Stay tuned and you will find out in today's episode. Welcome to the Dr. Wyatt Marriage Podcast. We're developing a long-lasting happy relationship is the status symbol to achieve. And following my tools is one path to help get you there. I'm your host, Dr. Wyatt, a licensed psychologist specializing in couples therapy. My free guide on four steps to transform your marriage. Comment the word guide and I'll send it to you. Or click the link in the show notes. So how to fix a broken marriage? Are you feeling broken? Does your relationship feel broken? If so, this is the episode for you. And I'm gonna hone in on something that a lot of us are guilty of and it may seem innocent, but it's actually one of the most destructive things we can do in our relationship. So let's get into it. Number one is stop mirroring. What is mirroring? Mirroring means you're gonna behave like your partner behaves. If they're friendly, you're friendly. If they're not friendly, you're not friendly. If they're affectionate, you're affectionate. If they're not affectionate, you're not affectionate. If they're cold, you're cold. If they stop talking, you stop talking. Those are examples of mirroring our partner. It's human nature. We tend to react. We tend to be thermometers in reaction to our partner. Now here's the problem. That's going to get us nowhere because if your partner is withdrawing and they're distant and you respond by mirroring that behavior, and now you're distant. Now what's going to happen? We're going to struggle even further. We're going to have more problems, more issues. If you pull away from me and you're not friendly, and I respond by me not being friendly, we're going to have more issues. We're going to have more problems. And that's what happens for a lot of couples. One partner will start walling off, and then the other partner follows suit. And this is something I've been guilty of in my marriage. Back when my wife and I were having our significant problems back in the early days of our marriage, my wife would wall off. My wife would distance herself. My wife would start becoming avoidant in our relationship and I would just mirror her. I would reciprocate. I would treat her the way she was treating me. If she was cold, I was cold. If she was unfriendly, I was unfriendly. If she stopped affection, I stopped affection. And guess what happened? Things got worse because I was treating her the way she was treating me. And this leads to a very important principle you have to get through your head. No matter how your partner treats you, it's a choice how you respond back. It's so easy to blame our partner for our behavior. I was cold because you were cold. I was unfriendly because you were unfriendly. I stopped talking because you stopped talking. But under that logic, we're never responsible for ourselves. And that was the logic I used to operate under. So if she was distant, I was gonna be distant. If she stopped initiating affection, I wasn't gonna be affectionate. All that reciprocity got us nowhere. And actually, it made things even worse in our relationship. And that's why I recommend do the opposite. And I have learned slowly over time to do the opposite in my marriage. So no longer am I governed by my wife's behaviors. So she is distant. Instead of mirroring those behaviors back, I try to tend to those behaviors, and that leads me to step number two. Number two is tend to them. Tend to your partner. If they seem distant, reach out and say, is everything okay? You seem distant. Do we need to talk about anything? If they seem cold, reach out. Is everything okay? You seem cold. You seem detached. If they stop giving affection, tend to them. I notice you've been giving less affection. Is everything okay? Do we need to talk about anything? When you're tending to them, you are being a thermostat instead of a thermometer. Most of us are thermometers. However, my partner is, that's how I'm gonna be. But now things are worse and we're getting nowhere. Therefore, I recommend and encourage you to learn to do what I try to do in my marriage, which is become the thermostat, become more steady, become more stable. So if your partner seems distant, instead of mirroring it, you lean in, you tend to them. If they seem walled off, instead of you walling off, you tend to them, you lean in, you ask if everything's okay, you see if they need to talk through anything. If you notice your partner walling off or being distant, giving you the cold shoulder, it's because something is bothering them that they haven't talked through yet with you. And this is why I recommend my tools so often so that couples have safe channels to express things that are bothering them. There's the bullseye question, there's the reunite tool, and there's the love buckets. Those are the three tools I train couples on so that they have three safe channels to get things out. Because when we don't have channels to get things out, we bottle up, we pull away, we wall off. So you tending to your partner, leaning in, asking if everything is okay, asking if they need to talk about anything is essential. And some of the times them giving you a cold shoulder may have nothing to do with you. They may just be stressed about work or recent conflict with one of their friends or finances, who knows? It may have nothing to do with you, and that's good information to find out. And you won't find that out if you're just mirroring back to them the distance that you're feeling. Some of us, when we're stressed, we turn inward and we pull away because we're an internal processor, we're trying to figure things out. So that might be who you're married to. They may pull away and turn inward when they're stressed, and it may have nothing to do with you. And their growth area might be how do I learn to turn toward my partner when I'm stressed instead of turning away. So one essential step to fixing a broken marriage is you stop mirroring your partner's behavior and instead you learn to tend to them. You lean in and you ask if everything is okay. If it does have something to do with you, then you pull out one of the tools, bullseye, reunite tool, love buckets, so that there's a safe place for them to communicate what they've been feeling. Number three is avoid burnout. This advice I'm giving works if it softens your partner. So if my partner is distant, if my wife is distant and I lean in and I say, Hey, it seems like there's some distance, is everything okay? Do we need to talk about anything? And if she doubles down and gives me even more of a cold shoulder and there's not a breakthrough, and me tending to her is not effective, and she walls off even further, and in response, I keep trying to lean in, I keep trying to be the bigger person, I keep trying to be the thermostat, and it's getting me nowhere. She's not softening, she's not turning toward me, she's not opening up, then we're gonna have some problems because this approach of being the thermostat only works if it eventually softens your partner. It only works if eventually it encourages your partner to open up and then you have a breakthrough and you talk through what's going on so that you can re-establish emotional and physical connection. But instead, if you're being the thermostat continually and it's not inspiring your partner to soften, now you're gonna probably get burned out and you may even start feeling taken advantage of. You may feel like I'm continually steady, I'm continually loving, I'm continually showing up like I'm supposed to in this relationship, but my partner keeps holding me at arm's length. It's not working, they're not softening. If that happens for you, it's gonna lead to burn out, and that might be where you're at right now. If that's you, I encourage you to sign up for my ER Marriage Intensive. The next cohort starts September 28th. ER gives you three months of training with me and three months with one of my master coaches simultaneously to work through all of your resentments and rekindle your love. So if you need a breakthrough, sign up for my next ER Marriage Intensive, comment the word ER and I'll send you more information and I'll include a link to it in the show notes, or go to my website, drwyattfisher.com and click on ER Marriage Intensive. Number four, so what do you do if you're trying to be the thermostat, you're not mirroring back to your partner the negative behaviors they're having, you're trying to be steady, you're trying to be loving, you're trying to lean in and tend to them, and they're not softening, you're starting to feel hopeless, you need a breakthrough. So you suggest the ER marriage intensive, you suggest some kind of support, and they refuse. They refuse to work on the marriage, they refuse to get better, they refuse to talk through what they're struggling with with you, they refuse to improve. When that happens and that becomes a pattern, the fourth step that I recommend is initiate a separation. I don't suggest that lightly, and I and I don't recommend it frequently. However, there is a time and a place for separation. And that time and place is when you're doing all that you can. You're being loving, you're being steady, you're showing up the best way you can to be the best partner possible, but your partner is still holding you at arm's length and they refuse to seek help. They refuse any kind of support to improve things in your relationship. They have become complacent, they have resigned. When that occurs, it's considered neglect, and that's when I recommend a separation as a wake-up call. Because some partners unfortunately fall asleep in their marriage and they keep mistreating their partner, they neglect their partner and they refuse any help. And that's not okay. That's not acceptable. When we got married, we both made a commitment to love one another, to tend to one another. Now we're gonna have problems. Obviously, all couples have problems at some point, and then we have to work through those problems. But if your partner refuses to improve, they refuse support, they refuse to work through the issues, now we have another problem on our hands, which is I can't do this on my own. Because a marriage is only going to get better if both partners are willing to work at it. And if your partner refuses to work at it, then you're gonna be stuck. And that's when I recommend a separation for those moments when you're experiencing neglect and your partner refuses to work on things. Hopefully, in those situations, a separation can serve as a wake-up call to show your partner you mean business. You're not gonna tolerate mistreatment, you're not gonna tolerate them being asleep in the relationship. You're gonna set some boundaries and you need to be the one that moves out because that's all you can control. And hopefully by doing that, it will show them this is what I don't want. Hopefully, by you doing that, it will show them I don't want this. I don't want to lose our family, I don't want to lose you. Hopefully, it serves as that wake-up call, and then they will be open to making changes. They will be open to receiving support, and that's what you want, so that you can rekindle, you can work through your resentments, and you can re-establish a loving connection. So those are four steps to fix a broken marriage. Number one, stop mirroring your partner's negative behaviors. Number two, instead tend to them, reach out, see what's wrong. Number three, if they don't soften with you tending to them, be careful that you don't burn out. And number four, if they refuse to work on the marriage on any level, consider a separation for a wake-up call. Thanks for listening to the Dr. Wyatt Marriage Podcast. If you enjoyed this episode, be sure to leave a review and pay it forward by sending this episode to one other couple in your community. And don't forget to download the free worksheet from this episode. You can get that in the show notes or go to my website, click on marriage podcast, and look for the link free worksheets. And finally, if you have any questions you want me to answer in future episodes, send me an email, info at drwyotfisher.com, and in the subject line, write podcast. Thanks for tuning in, and I'll see you in the next one.